2:41

I have been having some serious trouble sleeping recently. Whether it is due to the stress of a new puppy or the complete lack of any kind of real stress, my idea of how sleep should be involved in my life and sleeps idea of how it should be involved in my life are never matching up. For most of college I took over the counter sleep medication to fall asleep, and tonight i am probably going to have to do that again. I hate sleep. I hate the idea that my body feels like it needs to sleep. I hate that when I fall asleep, all I want to do is sleep. I hate that 1/3 of my time of this planet will be devoted to nothing but blackness, nothingness, and the occasional visual manifestation of my sub-conscious. But more than that, I hate that, since I do have to sleep, I can never fucking get there when my girlfriend is ready to go to bed. We have been together for the gestation period of a human fetus, and of all the nights we have spent together I would be shocked if she has stayed up later than me more than 3 times. 

My body shuts down, but all i can do is lay awake, tossing turning thinking tossing turning turning tossing turning thinking and tossing. Nothing good comes of a sleep depraved mind at 3 in the morning, where there is nothing to stimulate it but everything that you dont like in the world. I've spent so much time focusing on positivity, and wanting to surround myself with a positive atmosphere and people who are doing and creating positive things that i forgot that I am, apparently, so morose that people find it hard to believe that I am "very funny." If positivity is something I am so concerned with then why do I dwell on, well, everything negative and not focus on all this supposed positivity? You know why?

Because we all want to be something we're not, and at 2:35 in the morning, these are the only things my tired mind will concern itself with: all the things I am not and all the things I can't change.