8 Things I Wish I Could Tell Myself Eight Years Ago

I think I use to smile. Before I ever got involved with a female, I think I was a pretty happy kid. Long before I ever had to deal with graduations, college credits, money, jobs, and “real life,” there was actually photo documentation of me being a relatively goofy kid. So I guess what I am trying to say is that life in-and-of-itself has kind of crushed my once ambitious, joyfull soul, and replaced it with one bitter,self loathing and morose motherfucker.

I don’t think there is anyway to undo all of this, and I think I have sort of settled myself into this rut so much that I don’t think I could ever actually see myself being the gleeful youth I once was. The only way I think I could have subverted all of this and maintain the person I once was would be to go back 8 years and present myself with the following truths, so that I could brace myself for the world ahead of me.

But then again, if I knew all of this, my life would probably be incredibly more boring.

1. School: School is not nearly as important as your parents and teachers and professors will try and make you believe. You will graduate college with a 3.0 and you will not get paid a cent for work in your field of interest. Instead, you will walk dogs and pick up their shit to make ends meat. Reconsider your interests and field of study immediately.

2. Alcohol: Drink. Constantly. I know that you think you can have a good time being sober, but over the years, being the sober guy and still maintaining happiness will become a very daunting task. On top of that, those “Hey Zac, you want a beer?” jokes will never stop. Ever. You will hear at least one of these jokes a week for the rest of your life. No one appreciates you driving them around, and more often than not, you will be called something obscene or get yelled at just for offering to drive your inebriated friends home.

3. Guitar: Sell your guitar. The money you get for it will be immensely more enjoyable than the very minimal joy playing guitar will bring you over the rest of your life. Instead, play baseball or something.

4. Vegetarianism: Around the age of 21, you will decide to stop eating meat. Unless you are prepared to be called a “pussy” several times a week for as long as you don’t eat meat, just go ahead and keep eating McDonalds.

5. Girls: Somewhere, you did something very wrong. No one is really sure when exactly it was that you punched a baby or choked out someone’s mom, but, somewhere in your life, you have done something very terrible, and constantly taking a knee to the nuts from females for the rest of your life will be your punishment. Most of them will dump you, and a couple will get married soon there after. On more than once instance, a female will very intensely pursue you, only to pull out as soon as things start to get moderately serious. And when you tell them how this makes you feel, they will get mad. Do no try to employ logic with their kind…it simply doesn’t work. Instead, play baseball or something

6. Music: Every band you love or will ever love will start putting out bad records or break up at the peak of your enjoyment. Just start listening to talk radio now and save yourself the two lost/stolen iPods. If you can learn to avoid becoming a music listener, you will save yourself substantial amounts of frustration and enough money to buy a small boat and a fishing pole, which would probably be a much more enjoyable hobby than “record collecting,” which you will get involved with for some reason.

7. Money: English Majors don’t make any money. Reevaluate your life and passions now, and see if maybe you can’t find an interest in like, accounting? Business management? Any of these will make you more money than anything you are remotely interested in. Refer back to Item number one for more examples.

8: Tattoo’s: By the age of 23 you will have a large tattooed dedicated to the Batman Movie franchise. Are you prepared for that? If the answer is no, reevaluate your life immediately.

Fifteen year old Zac, you had no idea what you were in for.