I'm Not Dating No Shark

Over the scope of almost exactly 2 years, I became involved with four girls I should not have been involved with for many different reasons, which I guess sort of reserves me a spot in the biggest dumbasses in America All Star Club (and if you knew the story of girls 3 and 4, a first class ticket straight to hell). I have spent the past year of my life beating myself up over the ones that got away, and the ones that fucked me over and the ones that I fucked up, constantly dissecting every moment of my love life to figure out who went wrong and where, and what I can do so that the next time that I trick myself into feeling feelings, that that one will be the one. The more I think about it though, the more I think that there isn’t the one, and that everyone is destined to constantly fuck themselves and everyone else over, and I owe this epiphany completely to the movie Jaws.

During the last weeks of my 22 year on this planet, I sort of half accidentally watched Jaws for the first time. That is to say that I didn’t watch Jaws on accident because I turned on TBS and thought I was watching Deep Blue Sea (arguably the best movie ever to discuss the complex nature of mega intelligent super sharks that can swim backwards); the accidental nature of my first viewing of Jaws was simply because I honestly thought I had already seen the aforementioned shark film. Between studying it in film classes and watching enough shitty documentaries on Bravo that make mention of it, I had seen the iconic scenes and images and heard the theme song so many goddamn times that I had honestly convinced myself that I have somehow watched Jaws from beginning to end sometime in my life. I knew the major plot points and knew what I wanted out of the movie, and just sort of put it together in my head and convinced myself that that was Jaws.

We do this all the time in our love lives. For example, I accidentally hurt a girl who really liked me, even thoughshe really didn’t know me at all. I was incredibly destroyed by a girl who I only knew for about a month and a half, and I watched a friend split and get back together with his girlfriend 3 times over 5 years. The problem with human relationships is that we know what we want, but we are all either too lazy to make it work, or too blind to see that it isn’t working. The girl that I ended up hurting didn’t know anything about me other than I like to play in punk rock bands, I sort of dig tattoos and I think Lemuria is a totally kick ass band. What happened, though, is she took these things, and figured out a way to apply them to the type of person she wanted me to be, and, voila, she is roped into digging who does in fact like tattoos, Lemuria, and punk rock, but also is sort of a giant dickhead (who in all actuality only marginally like the previously mentioned things). I feel pretty terrible because when things started to happen and she got to really examine what was going on here, she probably realized that I am nothing worth the time of day, which is pretty much exactly how I felt when I finished watching Jaws. Kind of fell somewhere between the “meh” and “eh” category [1].

The last girl to really completely shatter my heart was not the person I thought she was, even though she turned out to be a pretty awesome person in the end (this makes her more like On the Road by Jack Kerouac than anything else). Another girl I was once involved with is now married to a guy that she dumped to be with me, only to dump me to eventually wed. Long story short: everyone knows what they want, but no one actually has it. In lamens terms: we’re all fucking crazy.

I have friends my age getting married and know people my age having kids, and I wish nothing but the best for all of them. But the more I diagnose myself and the types of girls I like (and there is most certainly a theme with them all [2]), the more I begin to feel that I will never find true love. And that’s fine, I suppose.

But I really enjoyed Jaws a whole fuck of a lot more before I actually saw it.



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1) This is probably the most accurate description of my worth as a dating partner, ever
2) and that theme is “fucked up.”