SPORTS!!

It's hard for anyone to believe this, but I am probably one of the busiest guys to ever have a completely wide-open schedule. It seems as though I never have any real commitment, but still can never find the time in the day to do the things that I really want to do (sleeping two more hours than necessary, listen to Torche’s Meanderthal at an obnoxious volume, sleep some more, sit on my couch watching TiVoed episodes of King of the Hill and America Dad while playing various forms of solitaire, etcetera…). But as I was laying on my couch drinking my (roughly) 5th Diet Coke of the day, there was a slight twinkle in the air that could only be described as one thing: silence. In some kind of freakish, all-the-lazy- Tuesday-afternoon-moons-aligning occurrence, for the first time in over a month I had my basement apartment completely and totally to myself. My girlfriend was at work, and my (sorta) roommate had (sorta) moved out, my dog hadn’t drug a possum in through the doggy door and no cat was running around in, and inevitably falling through, my ceiling tiles. I jolted up, reached for the television remote and turned to chanel 206, where I found the only thing that could satisfy a lazy, the-only-thing-I-have-to-acomplish-for-the-day-is-to-keep-myself-alive kind of day.

Sportscenter.

I love sports. My girlfriend does not. My former housemate did not. But from the second I realized that neither would be around until my ass began to ache from being sat on for too long, I dove head first into the world of sports that hasnt been much more than a fading image in the rearview mirror on the metaphorical road that is the small joys of Zachery Ryan Hobbs’ life.

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The 2009 NFL draft is this weekend and I have decided that there is no sporting “event” that I hate more than the NFL draft. There are many “events” that I find to be the sporting equivalent of watching grass grow, Soccer and all of its forms, Men’s indoor Volleyball, Curling, Croquet, Senior PGA, Tennis (Regular and Table), Polo (Water, Equestrian, Elephant, Segway, Golf Cart and yak polo all included), bobsledding and the event they show in the Olympics where the girls and gay guys jump around on a mat with a ribbon tied to a stick, just to name a few, all of which I would endure for hours on end if it meant I would never again have to listen to Mel Kiper and other so-called “Draft Experts” ramble on SportsCenter and PTI about their predictions of who is going to be drafted at what spot, and why they thing one team is fucking up with their picks and another team is getting gold for the price of a bail of hay and a gallon of lemonade.

My biggest complaint is that guys like Mel Kiper are only relevant for three months out of the year, which still seems like entirely too much of a limelight for people whose skill set is so incredibly narrow and specific that all they can do is predict when during the draft that Jason Campell is going to be called to the pro’s. After all the teams have made their moves and picks and all the dust has settled and we go back to waiting something like, 5 fucking months for the first kickoff of the season, Kiper will have a couple days to relish in the spotlight and grade teams on their draft before fading off to do whatever it is that Draft Experts do during the regular season. The problem is though, that for those three months, Kiper is God. He is the end-all be-all of the sports world, which seems to suggest that America just might actually put a little bit too much stock in this whole football thing. With the exception of the NBA draft, there is no other sport in America where we dedicate a whole weekend to highlighting talent that hasn’t actually done anything. We are so enamored with football that we would rather learn about the prospects than watch the NBA playoffs or nine innings of Oakland A’s baseball, and in most cases, would rather watch college players sit in a green room and eat various cheeses than go outside and actually toss the football around. I suppose it isn’t fair to blame all of America’s problems on Mel Kiper, but I sure would like to try. But regardless, these three months of Kiper reigning supreme over the sports analyst world adds very little to his modesty, and since he feels he can accurately predict the future of this upcoming NFL season, he can hold and present himself as one of the most important figures in Sports Commentary, even though he is completely useless for 9 months out of the year and barley worth anything for the 3 months he is relevant.

My real problem with the draft is how much stock everyone seems to put into when a person is drafted. I guess the theory looks good on paper, that the earlier you are drafted the more desirable of a player you are, ultimately reflecting on your talent as a player, but this never actually works in practice. Take for example the 2007 draft, when the Cleveland Browns traded with the Cowboys to nab Brady Quinn as the 22nd pick in the draft. Quinn was predicated to go way higher (almost certainly by Mel Kiper), and the whole sports world was shocked when he was looked over by the 21 other teams and their draft picks. Does this mean that Brady Quinn was the 22nd best football player in all of the 2007 draft? Well, I have certainly heard a lot more about Brady Quinn than JaMarcus Russel over the past 2 years, and certainly have seen more pieces and antidotes about Quinn than any of the 21 players drafted before them. Do you know who Ted Ginn Jr is? Me neither, but apparently he is exactly 13 draft spots better than Brady Quinn. The point of the matter is that everyone is going to be drafted, and the early draft picks that Mel Kiper and everyone else on ESPN.com drool over will probably not make so much as a rustle in the NFL during the 2009 season, but in 7 years or so we will be talking about how some 6th round draft pick ended up becoming a 4 time pro bowler, and would win 3 Super Bowls before he is 30. None of this matter, yet everyone gives a huge elephant sized turd about it all.

OK, so yeah, fuck you Mel Kiper, you are the source of everything that is wrong with America after all.