2:41

I have been having some serious trouble sleeping recently. Whether it is due to the stress of a new puppy or the complete lack of any kind of real stress, my idea of how sleep should be involved in my life and sleeps idea of how it should be involved in my life are never matching up. For most of college I took over the counter sleep medication to fall asleep, and tonight i am probably going to have to do that again. I hate sleep. I hate the idea that my body feels like it needs to sleep. I hate that when I fall asleep, all I want to do is sleep. I hate that 1/3 of my time of this planet will be devoted to nothing but blackness, nothingness, and the occasional visual manifestation of my sub-conscious. But more than that, I hate that, since I do have to sleep, I can never fucking get there when my girlfriend is ready to go to bed. We have been together for the gestation period of a human fetus, and of all the nights we have spent together I would be shocked if she has stayed up later than me more than 3 times. 

My body shuts down, but all i can do is lay awake, tossing turning thinking tossing turning turning tossing turning thinking and tossing. Nothing good comes of a sleep depraved mind at 3 in the morning, where there is nothing to stimulate it but everything that you dont like in the world. I've spent so much time focusing on positivity, and wanting to surround myself with a positive atmosphere and people who are doing and creating positive things that i forgot that I am, apparently, so morose that people find it hard to believe that I am "very funny." If positivity is something I am so concerned with then why do I dwell on, well, everything negative and not focus on all this supposed positivity? You know why?

Because we all want to be something we're not, and at 2:35 in the morning, these are the only things my tired mind will concern itself with: all the things I am not and all the things I can't change. 

What I do when I can't sleep.

I dont think I have ever written anything in here that doesn't have to do with either sports or music/playing in bands/touring. I think that is why I havent posted anything in here recently, or at least not as often...I litterally have nothing left say about any of these subjects; I dont give a shit about Blink-182's reunion tour, I still think Mastodon is a good band, and I high fived myself when I heard that David Ortiz used steroids. There is nothing going on in my life that is of any substance or is anything that I think qualifies as "interesting," and certainly not worth reading. I'd rather spend my time watching the Office and not looking for a new job than post anything on here about sports, music, or anything in my life that will ultimatley bore me to tears. I tried writing a short story I had outlined a while ago and it turned out to be so depressing that I didnt feel like working on it...creating something depressing when you don't think you are all that depressed is a strange feeling. It'd sort of be like (in a totally exact opposite kind of way) if Conor Orbest tried to write a posi-punk record...it's just confusing and scary.

The interesting thing is that there is nothing interesting happening in my life right now, yet I am still typing. Which is sort of the whole ethos of "blogging."

The internet has really sort of thrown culture into a weird sort of tailspin. Their is literally no aspect of life and culture that cannot be immediately consumed, which is a lesson Erin Andrews learned the hardest of hard ways. In the next 65 seconds I could Tweet a 140 character idea, thought, pun or antidote, and it is available for immediate consumption. Facebook and Twitter and Myspace and Blogger and Tumblr all give the average person (present party included) the chance to say whatever is on their mind at any given point in time during the day. If I wake up at 6:48 in the morning and want to tell everyone that my girlfriend steals the sheets from me (1) or that my cat is the worst possible animal to try and share a room with (2), then those thoughts can be immediately put into the public sphere and immediately consumed at any given second by anyone who thinks that my life is at all interesting. Any aspect of my life can be put on the web for anyone to read, whenever they want, and interpreted however they want.

So does that mean that my life is important?

The answer is, of course, no. Sure life is what you make it and our lives are all important to the people around us and the world we create for ourselves, but in the grand scheme of things, just because I have something to say and it can be immediately consumed, that does not mean there is any merit to anything I have to say.

The problem with the Internet, blogs (both micro and regular) is that it allows the average person who has nothing interesting to say to feel special. Soccer and Blogs work and exist on the same level...they allow the vocal majority (kids who arent good at any other sport and people who really cant write all that well) to compete on an even playing field. Comparing any blogger to Keruac would be like comparing the 2008 Columbus Crew (3) to the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers. It's just fucking unfair. But the beauty of blogs and soccer is that everyone is virtually equal, and everyone gets a chance to play goalie. Their is no hierarchy or meritocracy to blogs and Tweeters, they all simply exist, and grasp for some kind of celebrity or notoriety (not unlike David Beckham). Their is a reason that bullies exist in the world, and it's not just to make fun of the fat kids. Culture needs the hierarchy, and literacy cannot exist without a meritocracy.

The single worst thing the internet has done for culture is that it has allowed the average joe to feel special. People who have nothing interesting to say, no good stories to tell, and live a fairly mundane, average life can now cleverly disguise their Tweets and blogs in a manner that completely fabricate their existence. Reading blogs has become the new sitcom...reading any blog post from anyone i went to highschool with is not unlike watching an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bell Air. The posts have no linear narrative, they are simply a series of episodic posts that just existence within themselves, have very little in the way of thematic elements, and are ultimately just there. No one is breaking new ground, we're not contributing new idea's we are just doing.

People who are paid to write are paid to write for a reason, and it has nothing to do with their ability to post sotires in 140 character tweets. Literacy is changing every year in our world, and I'm honestly starting to think that when my kids take a "history of the english Language" course when they are in school, a major topic will be how literacy eventually made the jump from quality to quantity.

I know that anything I have just said will never make a dent in the world. But i least I understand that. Putting my puppy in his crate and finally falling asleep without waking Adrianna up is a much bigger concern of mine than anything that happens in the Blogosphere (4).

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1) She does not, by the way. Habitually, I am the blanket-stealer
2) I have, unfortunately, done this
3) unquestionably the worst sports franchise team name in the history of professional sports.
4) I am so bummed that "blogosphere" does not register as a mis-spelled word. So. Fucking. Bummed.

In 7 months I will turn 25 years old, meaning I have been alive for a quarter of a century, meaning that I have roughly been alive for one third of my life. In 7 months I will have used up a third of my time on this earth. I'm consistantly worrying about what I have to show for 25 years of being on this planet.

Last year I embarked on an epic journey that spanned 8 countries and too may American cities to count. I felt such a sense of accomplishment knowing that I could sustain myself while being so far from home and be perfectly happy and content in this totally different type of environment and style of living. August 27 - December 8th last year made ever miserable second of 2008 leading up to it worth dealing with.

Right now, as I plead with myself to just be sleepy, all I can think about is what I have to show for this year, what will I have to say about 2009 when in wraps up here in a couple months, and, more importantly what will I have to say about myself on April 1st 2010.